| tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful chord |
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shut up i'm the driver you're the passenger
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| words of wisdom from JoAnn radio... |
[31 Jan 2008|05:41pm] |
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me, and you lost you
What are all these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew
I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined...
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive
In such a graceless age?
And the trust and self-assurance
That lead to happiness
Are the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us
You know, it doesn't keep us warm
I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
To the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Oh, the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cuz’ life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside...
I wanna be happily ever after
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
I've been trying to get down
To the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinking about...forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore
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| pondering |
[25 Jan 2008|05:40pm] |
What makes us who we are? Our actions or our inactions?
Should I be judged by what I've done or what I've failed to do?
I feel so hopeless sometimes when I think about the people that have passed through my life and how many of them I have hurt, often by not doing enough. All I'm left with our regrets. I never meant to hurt anyone. I wish I could change things, make it better.
Being alive sucks sometimes.
Thoughts?
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[14 Aug 2007|09:31pm] |
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how the hell do i get the Friend Speech when i'm already dating someone???
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[11 Aug 2007|12:37am] |
i need a job. badly.
after i get a job, i can get my permit.
then hopefully i can get my license.
then i can get a car.
then i can get a better job.
and my dad can stop telling me the best idea is for me to move home to bergen and have him and my mom drive me to work everyday until they aren't around at which point i would have to find someone else to be a burden on.
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| songs always remind me of my life:P |
[03 Aug 2007|03:31pm] |
It’s not enough to hear me say you’ve won
You only wanted me for having fun
But now I think you’ve gone and had your way
And left me with a pile of bills to pay
I can’t even rewind the tape machine
To listen to your drunken reasoning
So here it is, your final lullaby
So goodnight, goodnight
You’re embarrassing me, you’re embarrassing you
So goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door, walk away from my life
So goodnight…
I’ve given up on social niceties
I threw ‘em out when I threw out your keys
Along with all your records I can’t stand
You never even listen to any one of them
You’re never gonna drag me out again
With all the people that were never ever even your friends
So here it is, your final lullaby
So goodnight, goodnight
You’re embarrassing me, you’re embarrassing you
So goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door, walk away from my life
A little bit of rain I say is fair
But when it starts to thunder, they all stare
This isn’t goodnight, this is goodbye
So goodnight, goodnight
You’re embarrassing me, you’re embarrassing you
So goodnight, goodnight
Walk away from the door, walk away from my life (x2)
So goodnight…
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[03 Aug 2007|11:33am] |
i feel dead. like i am a dead body. like instead of sitting at a computer, i should be splayed out on the ground. odd.
so work was actually fun again yesterday. beth came back and we worked together. i love beth. she never gets involved in any of the drama, never talks bad about anyone, is so amazingly unique with her silly hats and fun stories, and always apologizes for making me want to puke when she talks about her boyfriend. which i never want to do, i love hearing about them, they're so adorable. it actually gives me hope that my boyfriend and i can work.
then the bosses took us to lugia's for lunch and ice cream which was nice:) it was a little odd at first without a default group or people, but actually lots of fun because i just hung out and talked with everyone. and the ice cream was so yummy:)
then i worked with another cool person, dan, who i took a class with earlier this summer, but never talked to. he was pretty cool. then i gave away many of my apartments possession's to an adult student from korea who doesn't have anything to furnish her new apartment with, it made her soo happy, it was really nice to do something nice.
i don't know whats been up with me lately. i said something offhand to dan about me being a nice person and almost laughed. like me being a nice person was a joke. i hate that feeling. i want to be a nice person, i used to be at one point... but i don't feel like it anymore. it doesn't help that quite a few people are convinced i'm not. i guess that is the problem. i respond to things i find hurtful by being bitchy. so things have been especially hurtful lately? yea i guess that would be true... but i still need to find a way to respond better... i really want that, really want to be a loving, caring person. it is one of the desires of my heart, and i need to find a way to do it.
i'm sorry i've been so selfish and wrapped up in my life and problems lately that i haven't been there for most of you:( i hope you know how much i care, but i'm sure you don't feel it right now and i'm really really sorry. i can't make it better with words, you will still be hurting, but i will try to be a better friend... i'm just having a hard time sorting out this life thing.
i love you.
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[22 Jul 2007|11:58pm] |
i need a cosigner:(
shouldn't i be *bleeping* past this already??
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[11 Jul 2007|07:57am] |
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i'm thoroughly confused.
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[10 Jul 2007|09:17pm] |
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mood |
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Honey why are you calling me so late
It’s kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can’t be too loud
Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words, it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And yes I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don’t think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words, it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late
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| this is just an ordinary day... |
[09 Jul 2007|12:25pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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justin is up here, he says for good. :)
i have so much going on right now, i can barely keep my head on straight, and i'm just praying not too much is falling through the cracks. i have a lot to do and it has to be done now.
-permit
-2 papers for ab. psych
-not miss work from being sick
-get hooked up with new dentist and new pcp
-finish resume
-apply to jobs at strong
-work, work, work
-save, save, save
-reconnect with friends
right now all i've been doing is sleeping, hanging with justin, and shopping, got stuff for the new apartment like a really nice desk, comforter, and all my cubey things, but that may not be smart since i'm not doing the important stuff and its just going to have to be stored at justin's place for the time being anyways... but it makes me happy to plan for a place of my own...
housing update- things are fine with my current housing situation. erynne moved out the week i was sick and at justin's so i didn't get to say goodbye *sob sob* and as soon as i got back we moved her room all around and got all her stuff out::) we're gonna miss her tonsies:P
justin update- he likes his new roommates, tho sluts they may be, they are the entertaining kind. the house has its problems for being an old house with cheapo landlords, but he is pretty happy with his air conditioner. the toilet exploded once, but they had it fixed within hours and we weren't there at the time anyway. he is thinking he may even stay there for the year now... time will tell if it is indeed a suitable living environment
i'm sorta falling off the earth right now, not sure why, not just justin being here, but i just sorta feel disconnected from everything. if you wanna connect with me, leave a comment or email me... i'm not around much for phone calls or IMs but if you email me, you are more likely to get a response at some point, even if it is at 2am when i go to bed/wake up....
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[28 May 2007|02:24pm] |
so i just got a call from val, one of justin's future housemates.
apparently, she is the one paying the rent right now, so she will be getting the rent money. that makes me feel a lot better than if we would be paying the landlord, who seems a bit shady.
she also would love to have my help cleaning the upstairs where justin will be living (i didn't know she had started cleaning up there, so i offered) and she said herself how filthy and disgusting the house is, and how she is working really hard to make it nicer
she is living there. a person who is actually living there. makes me feel a lot more secure about this than talking to two people who were like 'sign this lease' then got on airplanes or ran away.
so basically, i feel better about this situation.
as long as the bank transfer goes through by the weekend, i will probably go over on saturday to drop the check off to val, and might see about doing some cleaning...
anyone wanna take me/help me clean/keep me from having a mental breakdown? :P
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[14 May 2007|04:10pm] |
great start to my healthy eating/workout plan...
breakfast
strawberry/banana/grapenut yogurt- 200c
breakfast lean pocket- 150c
lunch
can of Pringles- 900c
>_<
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[09 May 2007|04:29pm] |
guess what i got today???
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[08 May 2007|11:46am] |
I think i may have found somewhere for justin to live!!! its an awesome price in an awesome place... he'd have his own room in a shared townhouse that is very nice. we will be looking at it on sunday since he will be up so please pray, or cross your fingers, or wish on a star or whatever:P
also, the lady said she would take $75 for this since it is in really good condition... its a pullout loveseat and look at the design!!
http://rochester.craigslist.org/fur/326618077.html
my bedroom is oriental themed right now, and even if that changes, i know i will ALWAYS have at least one oriental themed room... should i get it? the other question is, can i bribe someone with a car (and maybe mace) to pick up the things i am finding on craigslist and can't live without? :P
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[05 May 2007|01:42pm] |
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the people that know me the best are the people i piss off the most.
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[05 May 2007|08:07am] |
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mmmmm radiohead.
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[03 May 2007|12:05am] |
can i please just die now?
its been a very annoying/upsetting/confusing/overwhelming week. it doesn't help that i haven't had my "crazy pills" since sunday when i officially ran out. i am sooooooooooo stupid, this is really not the time to be going without medicine. stupid me >_<
is anyone free for a very quick trip to kmart tomorrow? it is just down the road, and i really need to get this medication or i may not make it to graduation next weekend... i may have a real mental breakdown and explode... or implode...
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[02 May 2007|02:52am] |
i hate doing the right thing sometimes.
i mean, i do the wrong thing often enough, it wouldn't be anything new.
and i would have plenty of easy excuses to ward off guilty thoughts.
i had so many reasons to, i wanted to, but that one thing stopped me.
darn myself. i'm no fun.
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[28 Apr 2007|09:52am] |
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ow. my head.
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me_im_a_thief's journal
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